Let’s Talk about the Long Days

The days are long but the years are short. Wise words pointed at the parents of young children, and the parents reply, “the days are SO LONG!”. Every new phase of growth for your child brings a new set of challenges. No matter how endlessly you love your child it is still hard work parenting through the day-to-day struggles. Parents and caregivers are constantly searching for fresh strategies to help us conquer the rough mornings and chaotic nights. With time and practice you can find a combination that works for your family.

 Establish predictable routines. Plan and stick to a daily schedule with transitions and activities occurring at the same time each day. Posting a visual schedule using clip art or photos of your child doing the activities provides a reference so your child can have the security of knowing what to expect next.

Note: flexibility is still needed for the sake of life! Disrupting routines for vacations and special days/social activities is still healthy and important for families.

Give choices that do not affect the flow. “You pick your socks and I’ll get your shoes.” “Do you want a red cup or blue cup?” Give your child the opportunity to have control when it works for you, to minimize the battles when it really matters.

Prepare in advance for success. Make picking clothes out a part of the evening routine the night before. Or put the cereal and bowl on the counter so your child can pour it in the morning. Taking these little steps to prepare can make a big difference in your routines.

Create a routine board to help your child stay on track. There are many versions of routine boards that you can create or purchase. It won’t be needed forever but it can help you get through these hard phases.

Share the responsibility. Giving your child tasks or chores that they are responsible for each day can help to make them part of the process. Promote the view of the family as a team working together.

Use small motivations to get through the hardest parts. ie. “First we get buckled in the car seat, then you get a squeeze pouch.”

Use big motivations to set behavior expectations. “When the jar is filled with pom poms (earned for a good morning) then we go to or get XXXX.” or “10 smiley faces on the calendar = XXXXX.” Make sure the behavior expectations are clear and simple to earn these rewards and stick to the terms that you set (ie. no tears, kind words, kind hands). Identify the behaviors that are the most challenging for you as a parent and make it part of the deal.

Provide warnings for any transition. Even though it is a part of the routine you do every single day, most children still need heads up before each transition. Small children do not have strong concepts of time so providing warnings such as “In 10 minutes, we must turn off the TV. In five minutes, we must turn off the TV. In one minute, the TV goes off”. Timers work great for these transition warnings because it places control of the disruption in the inanimate object and lets some of the blame come away from mom and dad. “Oh bummer, that’s the timer! Time to turn off the TV.”

Note: Even though it good to stick to time constraints for learning, its okay if today your 5-minute timer and your 1-minute timer are both 2 minutes. Nobody will be the wiser, it’s the advance preparation that’s key for the routine.

Make it a game. Suggest a silly way to move from one activity to the next (fly like an airplane, hop like a bunny). Encourage your child to come up with the next one. Clean up time can be a race against the clock, and you try to beat your high score.

If you find yourself caught in a power struggle, give your child an easy out. This is sometimes referred to as “saving face”, give your child an opportunity to take an alternate route so that no one must lose the battle. An alternate route can be an unexpected distraction or adding an option that wasn’t there before. It is also important to check your own triggers by asking yourself, “Is this behavior unsafe or just annoying? Is this a real problem or just my problem”. We are all human and it’s okay to recognize that you created the struggle perhaps out of your grasp for control, feeling over stimulated or even hangry! Take a moment for yourself and pick a different strategy for the next time.   

Call a family meeting. When introducing new routines or initiatives, take the time to introduce them as a family and pre teach them to your child. Even after this family meeting it helps to repeat key phrasing frequently, especially in the beginning, to help your child understand the new expectation. Family meetings help establish a habit of conversation as a family when you have the time and patience for uninterrupted discussion. It can be done in minutes with everyone in the household together and benefits are endless. Your child is never too young to be apart of the conversation and give them an opportunity to express their own concerns (even if its “I like flowers but not peas”). We do this in our classroom as a part of circle time with children of all ages by giving them each opportunity to comment (or not) at the end of the discussion.

When you are losing control, go to your child. If your frustration is building and you are yelling reminders from another room, pause and physically go to your child and look in their eyes and say, “In 2 minutes the TV is going off and then we put on our shoes”. Taking the extra 30 seconds to reduce the tension and connect with your child is worth the time and it will help your child to “hear” the reminders.

When it all goes wrong… Make it a teachable moment.  Give yourself the same grace and understanding you would offer to a friend. Once everyone has had a moment to recollect themselves, admit your mistakes to your child and share with them how you can handle it better next time. Help your child to recognize their own feelings and come up with a solution together. These moments, while disappointing, are the perfect opportunity for social-emotional learning.

If you are parenting as part of a team, check in with your partner. Agree upon a way to tap-out when you’re feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard to see solutions when you are in the thick of it, and another adult taking over can help to reset emotions. Share with your partner in advance how you want them to show up for you and how that can look. It’s important for parents and caregivers to be clear with each other on their views on what support looks like to avoid misplaced frustrations in the future.

Somedays you must physically move your child through the routine. You’ve done everything right and tried all the things but your child refuses to cooperate. It’s just one of those extra hard days. Tap into super parent mode, turn on a neutral, empathetic face and tune out the chaos. Gently and steadily move your child through the transition that must occur and pick your battles along the way. They don’t want to wear shoes but there’s snow on the ground? Fine.  Grab the shoes and extra socks for school and move on. This is how we teach common sense to young children by having them experience the consequences of their choices.

Teachers and caregivers are not upset when we receive your kiddo on one of these days.  It doesn’t happen every day, your child is not sick, and life must go on. We are here to support you. Usually once the transition has occurred and goodbyes are said we can smoothly merge your child into our daily routine. If something is different at home, let us know so we can be on your team.

These strategies will likely get put on the backburner as days get smoother and that’s ok. Keep them in your parenting toolbox to pull out when you encounter your next stretch of long days.

You’re a wonderful, loving parent and you’re doing a great job.